Women Need To Face More Rejection...Here's Why.

Tommy, a five-year old boy, got rejected. He liked this girl, Margaret, who always had the tastiest snacks. Whenever he asked her for a piece of her snicker’s bar, she gave it to him with a smile. He was in love. One day after school, he built up the courage to ask her if she would be his girlfriend, and she said no. His heart was broken.

Ten years later. When Tommy was fifteen, he asked Cristin out. This time, she said yes. Tommy hated having to ask girls out, it was scary, intimidating, and uncertain. Yet, he knew that if he wanted to go on a date with a girl, he had to ask her out. He shoots, and he misses. He shoots and he scores. He has always been encouraged by society and his friends to put himself out there. To face rejection. To grab what he wants. To ask the girl out. With time, he got more comfortable hitting on girls, he got more comfortable getting rejected. He hit a point where rejection didn’t even scare him anymore.

Taking the step forward became a part of his process of getting what he wants.

Ten years later, at age twenty-five, Tommy is working a nice marketing job in New York City. He is proud that he made it out of his small town in Massachusetts. He has been working this job for about two years and he thinks it’s time to get a raise. He simply wants more money. Tommy, nervous, approaches his boss. He knows that although it is uncomfortable, like dating, if you want something you have to go for it. His boss rejects his request. Another year goes by, and he asks his boss again, this time, his boss agrees. Getting rejected for Tommy is just a part of life. Since he was five-years-old he was getting rejected. Even though he does not like rejection, societal norms have taught him that he needs to go for it, he needs to ask for what he wants, in dating, and therefore, in the workplace too.

Relationship norms in American society have trained Tommy well. It taught him that rejection is okay, and failure isn’t a final destination. It taught him valuable life lessons that allow him to ask for more and always level up, in relationships, at work, and in life.

But what have relationship norms taught women?

Let us follow Margaret’s life starting from age five, and see how things play out. Margaret is five-years-old. She likes Charlie. Watching Disney movies and seeing her older two sisters constantly try on new makeup, she believes that the only way to be with Charlie is to make herself more desirable. It works! Charlie asks Margaret to be his girlfriend.

Ten years later. When Margaret is fifteen, she wants to go to her freshman formal with Jared. She texts her friends to ask his friends if he is interested. She then tries to make subtle hints to Jared to show him that she wants to go to the formal with him. But she never directly asks him out. Girls aren’t encouraged to do so. They are encouraged to wait to be asked out by a man. In this case, by Jared. Margaret is not learning what it is like to just go for it, to ask and get what you want, to ask and get rejected. She is encouraged by society to subtly hint at what she wants, not take it.

Margaret is encouraged to hope that what she wants will come to her if she changes herself.

Ten years later, at age twenty-five, Margaret is working as an associate lawyer in Detroit. She’s been working as one for the past two years but doesn’t even think about asking for a raise. She thinks that her boss will offer one to her when she is ready. More time goes by and it doesn’t happen. Maybe she is just not ready…or maybe…she just needs to ask. She starts working extra hard, clocking in more over-time hours in order to prove to her boss that she is deserving of a raise. He never gives her one. Because of societal relationship norms, Margaret has never been encouraged to ask for anything in her life. She is not prepared to do so, so she doesn’t.

Women in the workplace are put at a disadvantage in asking for raises and facing rejection. Boys from a young age are taught to ask for and take what they want, unlike girls. Girls are taught to change themselves, to become more desirable to get what they want. The are taught to be polite, be subtle and not make a scene. Because of this norm, women struggle to ask for raises, they struggle to ask men out, they struggle to speak up because they were never encouraged to do so. In order to change the gender gap we need to change societal relationship norms. Women need to ask men out and face rejection just like men do. Rejection, is a good thing, and men, get to face it a lot more than women.